I Wonder If I Take You Home


OMG. You might as well wear an arrow pointing to your crotch.

You just broke up with your boyfriend two months ago.  It’s Friday night, and none of your people want to go out ‘cause they’re either too exhausted from the work week, or they’re with their significant other doing things that lovers do.  This leaves you bored and lonely, so you decide to roll out solo to the neighborhood night spot.  The live band is rockin’ it, the drinks are cheap, and before you know it, you’re feeling as nice as a Care Bear on ecstasy.

Then you see this tall, handsome cat with great skin and a chiseled frame roll up to the bar.  He sees you checking him out, so he smiles.  Before long, you and Lorenzo are on the dance floor doing the Lambada to a dancehall version of “Milkshake”.  Your oven is hotter than Grandma Patty’s on Thanksgiving afternoon.  Like a true predator, Lorenzo can sense that this is the moment to make that move: he asks if you wanna take the party to his spot just two blocks away.

Your first thought is to say, “Hell yes,” but you vacillate for at least a minute.  I mean, what would he think about you?  What if he’s some kinda psycho?  Crap!  Did you remember to wax?  But Lorenzo, the liquor, and your suppressed libido keep whispering sweet nothings in your ear.  Before you know it, you’re off…and so are your jeans.  The next morning, engaged in The Walk of Shame, you can’t help but ask yourself, “Am I a slut?”

Instead of just jumping into the answer, let’s take a look at a checklist designed to ensure that you always know what to do when you hear the call of the wild.

1. Are you sober, or at least in majority control of your motor functions? If the answer is no, then please, don’t do it.  Any stand-up guy is turned off by girls who are fall-down drunk.  Seriously, who wants to get close to somebody that might go all Mt. St. Helens with her stomach contents at any time?  If the dude observes your state and still wants to bed you, he’s at least ethically challenged and maybe even mentally disturbed…which is a bad thing, for y’all taking notes.  [Exception:  If dude is shit-faced too, then feel free to stumble your alcoholic ass on down the road to perdition!]

2. Do you really need it? If you always “need” it, then I advise you to seek psychological counseling.  Or a dildo.  Or both.  This is about those occasions when it’s just been forever and you’re going to literally re-virginate if not tended to quickly.  In other words, it’s a smergency – a sex emergency.

3. Does it feel like destiny? You and this guy have been talking, dancing, and laughing the night away.  He’s wonderful, he thinks you’re fantastic, and you’ve never felt this uncanny need to be one with anybody so quickly before.  It just feels right.  Guess what?  It is!  Go for it with the knowledge that you’re following the will of the universe.  20 years later when you’re sitting in your gazebo at your summer home at the Vineyard, chillin’ with Mr. Right, you’ll thank your horny, twenty-to-thirty-something self for making up that BS.

So ladies, the next time shit gets thick with no time to think, go ‘head and get busy off of basic instinct!  Ask yourself those three simple questions and you can’t go wrong.

And oh yeah, I almost forgot.  You are DEFINITELY a slut for getting with old boy that Friday night.  I mean, c’mon, you just met him!  Your momma would be ashamed!

7 Comments

Filed under Sexuality, Social Etiquette

7 responses to “I Wonder If I Take You Home

  1. Lorenzo

    Another delivery full of laughs! Good work! My Thursday needed this … but I hope you didn’t mess up my Friday, ya dig.

    • D-El, it’s like Smokey the Bear said: Only you can mess up your Friday. In case you succeeded in doing so, don’t sweat. Tonight’s the night! Now get out there and be some young lady’s one-hitter quitter!

  2. Jamala

    LMAO @ yes you are a slut! Does that make you a SUPER slut with supernatural powers? Do you kiss your mama with those lips you duuurty boi?
    I have never ever ever had a one night stand. And I have been drizunk before. I mean seriously who does that?
    All judgemental comments aside… Why is the act of having “sex” always the determining factor? So it is cool to share your life story, your energy, spirit, time, etc. with this stranger but heaven forbid if your bodies meet. Le sigh.
    Personally I think sharing your energy with a stranger is much worse (since we are judging) than sharing your body.

    • Jamala, I definitely plan on addressing the issue of emotional vs. physical intimacy in another post, especially in the context of infidelity. We absolutely tend to focus on one to the detriment of our acknowledgment of the other. Oh, and I KNOW your ass has been drizunk. That ain’t no damn NPR-worthy update, fool!

  3. cranberrysimone

    HAHAHHAHA yes you are a slut…OWN THAT SH*T!!! for today’s woman that is an activist on saturday, a praise and worshiper on sunday, a community volunteer on monday, and an executive on tuesday…you catch my drift…a little let-off-some-steam-sex never hurt anybody….

    i think it was whitman who said:

    does my slutiness contradict myself?
    very well then i contradict myself,
    my sexual appetite is large,
    i contain multitudes…

    or something like that ;-)

    anyway good post…only question you failed to ask my friend is #4 DID YOU USE A CONDOM? did you know there are more women living in new york with HIV than in any other state in the country? and that 90% of cases of HIV/AIDS in NY are in women of color? for adult and adolescent females, the rate of diagnoses of HIV infection for black females was nearly 20 times as high as the rate for white females and approximately 4 times as high as the rate for Hispanic/Latino females. #JUSTSAYIN

    WRAP. IT. UP.

    • You’re absolutely right, cranberrysimone. Rockin’ a hard hat is absolutely essential, no matter how much one would rather raw dog it…especially if you have no idea who the hell is on the other end of nasty with you. Word.

  4. Natalie

    Let me find out you have a bit of substance on your lil blog here. Impressive. Great tips and will consider use if I’m ever in said position. Highly doubt it cus im no hoe, ya dig?

    Good stuff!

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