Ever feel that the life you lead isn’t the one that’s meant for you?
I’m not talking about some kind of materialistic craving for a better car, a bigger house, or more money. I’m talking about a fundamental feeling that your existence – your career, your city, your partner – is somehow a world apart from the one that should be yours. Sure, there are those gorgeous moments when you can feel yourself alive in your true identity; eyes wide open, bathing in the rays of your own colorful light.
Those occasions are the exception, not the rule, and most ticks of the clock find you awash in numbing grey. Through time’s bleak passage, you can’t help but feel that YOU ARE GREATER THAN THIS AND WERE MEANT FOR MORE. So, just what is one to do when the vision of their true place in the universe is so vastly different from their accepted reality?
The only logical answer is to go crazy.
I don’t mean give oneself over to psychotic breaks, schizophrenic attacks or dissociative episodes…as fun as Showtime TV series make them look. Instead, I’m suggesting that you allow all of the rage, the frustration, and the sadness to push you toward rejecting the day-to-day ins-and-outs of your hyphenatedly disappointing life. You’ve got to get angry enough to push back against the situation that’s responsible for all of the emotional turmoil in the first place. Basically, you need to lose your muphuckin’ mind so you can get it back again, and losing your mind means destabilizing your belief in reality.
Don’t get me wrong. Stability is often a good thing. It can be nice to know that every time a step hits the ground, it will feel exactly the same as it did the day before. But what if, instead of concrete, you were faced with quicksand on a daily basis? Instead of supporting you, with each step your surroundings are slowly dragging you to a horrifyingly suffocating death. In this case, stability is an illusion: your life is static, but there’s nothing stable about it. Recognize this, and your first crazy, rebellious step won’t be too far behind.
Yes, I said rebellion. Your current reality is a prison, created and policed by enemies who seek to stifle your growth for their own benefit. As such, you’ve got to rebel against said reality and its enforcers. This may not be as emotionally easy as it sounds – it could entail rejecting friends, family and even the coppertop formerly known as YOU. But you’ve got to get on with it. Gum up the works. Stick bananas in tail pipes. Throw your fists in the air. The sheep will call you crazy, but you’ll be too busy losing it to hear them. Too busy with your crazy little rebellion.
The first shots of said rebelionita will manifest in various forms, suitable for the personal struggles to which they are intimately connected. It might mean taking back-to-back, unnecessary sick days on Friday and Monday. Maybe you’ll sign up for that spoken word event at the local bar. Perhaps you’ll finally speak to that mohawked cashier at the supermarket. Whatever it is, if you don’t feel a little scared the day before you do it and at least minimally terrified immediately beforehand, then it wasn’t crazy enough. You’ve got to push yourself into the heat of discomfort, ever closer to the flame until your fears are illuminated and the fear of the fear burns away.
Notice, I said the FEAR of the fear: the fear itself will never disappear. When you acknowledge that, it will begin to lose its grip on you, and you’ll start to free yourself from your father’s expectations. From your boss’ intimidations. From your own doubts. You might eventually go crazy enough to quit that corporate job to pursue that passion for dance, or forsake the path of a starving artist to get that law degree you always wanted. Every day, it will become easier for you to do beautiful, painful things that bring you closer to sweet insanity…also known as true life.