Monthly Archives: May 2011

Sex Sabbaticals, Unicorns and Other Lies

Don't cheat yourself...treat yourself.

The ability to lie to oneself about matters of sexuality is one of the most captivating aspects of the female psyche.  Accomplishing that requires a degree of mental fortitude that most unconflicted, straight men simply cannot achieve.  We do alright when it comes to lying to women or other men, but we just don’t give enough of a shit to pull the wool over our own eyes.  But women…women are different.  You really want to believe the BS that you’re selling to everybody else.

I think my favorite example of this amazing mental wizardry is the sex sabbatical.  You might not be familiar with the term (I may have just coined it…gotta look into that), but I’m sure you’re familiar with the concept.

The idea is that a woman gets so fed up with men that she decides to give up sex for some amount of time.  Actually, that’s just the sex sabbatical in its weak form.  The strong form dictates that the woman gives up dating altogether.  In both cases, she approaches this commitment to revirgination with the utmost gravity and dedication, like an addict just starting the march up the famous 12 Steps.

Unfortunately, just like her drunk and drugged counterparts, our heroine is just one false move from falling down those steps and bustin’ her ass, or in this case, having her ass busted.

Given the right stimulus, you will gone ‘head and get you some.  A little Riesling, some Adele playing in the background, just the right combo of kisses on your neck and pressure on the inside of your left thigh…and you’re off the wagon.  But hold on before you sign up for rehab, babygirl.

Sex is fundamental to the human condition.  We quite literally need it, not just as a species, but as individuals, and denying our desire for it is futile at least and self-destructive at worst.  That’s why the whole sex sabbatical phenomenon is a big, fat, blueballs-inducing shame.  But who would put themselves in that predicament in the first place?

There are only two types of women that would arrive at the ridiculous conclusion that they should forswear sex.  The first one isn’t capable of maintaining consistent relations with men in the first place, or as one female friend of mine said, “she ain’t on a steady d*ck diet.”  That’s a classic sour grapes scenario of course, and for the purposes of this entry, not worth discussing.  The other kind of woman is different though.  She’s on a quest for power.

For some reason, real or imagined, this woman feels that sex has been her personal gateway to pain.  As such, her mission is to regain control over her emotional life by blocking all entry to her Hidden Valley, thereby cutting heartache off at the pass.  The problem is that this is a shortsighted measure.  Men absolutely need to be responsible with women’s feelings, especially after nastytime.  Y’all are delicate, and shit.  But would Mr. Voltron have been any more sensitive if he hadn’t already slayed your robeast with his blazing sword?  Childhood anime references aside, if you didn’t have sex with him, would he have treated you differently?

I think not.  Holding out on sex might keep a ravenous man well-behaved for a while, but it’s not going to change who he is fundamentally.  If dude is an unkind, inconsiderate prick, keeping him away from the goods ain’t gonna make him appreciate you more—it’s just gonna make you excruciatingly horny and ensure that he keeps regularly banging that waitress at Applebee’s.  I mean, he’s gonna keep doing that regardless (ummm…he’s a prick), but at least you’d be getting some action, too!

Oh, and I interrupt this entry to bring you a very important news bulletin: not every guy you date is an asshole.  The man sitting across from you might be a really cool person who sees you as a whole being, not just a piece of pie, waiting to get cut up.  So, while y’all may not end up together over the long haul, there’s no reason why you both can’t enjoy a little desert before dinner.

Look, it’s obviously not a cool situation when the bull’s been dragging you around so long that you don’t even wanna ride the muphucka anymore.  Who wants to get yanked and jerked around ’til they’re dizzy, then thrown down hard to the ground?  OK, men…don’t answer that.  Seriously though ladies, you can’t get the pleasure without the pain.  That’s the price we pay to live life fully.  So when it hurts, you just gotta brush yourself off, grab them horns with both hands, hop on top, and ride ’em, cowgirl!

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Filed under Relationships, Sexuality