It’s been said that nothing beats vagina except new vagina, although the language used is generally rawer than that. I don’t know whether it’s the mystery of the unknown, appreciation for subtle variances in individual lovemaking styles, or the ego rush from the idea that one more woman let us play genital peek-a-boo, but all things being equal men adore that new-new. But there is an exception. Sometimes, we get a yearning for something more familiar. Sometimes, we want some ex-sex.
Fellas, we’ve all been there. You’re between relationships, or maybe you’re dating but there’s nothing serious going on, or maybe you’re pretty deep into something new, but you haven’t had “The Talk” yet. Whatever the case, you’re out and about having a few drinks and up pops one of your ex-girlfriends. She’s rocking a black leather bustier with lace around the top, some skintight, lavender leggings with white polka-dots, and those studded black stilettos with the gold heels that you made her leave on that time y’all got creative. Juicy. When you roll over to greet her, she lets her right arm hang around your waist for at least 10 seconds after you hug hello. Shit is real, son. Operation Booty Reclamation is in full muthaphuckin’ effizect.
“Lately I thought back,
When we made good love.
Listening to some Marvin Gaye,
All night long.
Now I want that old thing back…”
– H-Town, “Knockin’ Da Boots”
Like I said, we’ve all gone there, so I can’t blame you. What I can do however, is equip you with a framework for analyzing whether your next trip down memory lane will lead to blissful nostalgia or to searing regret. To that end, here are five factors to consider before next engaging in ex-sex:
- The Common Sense Factor: Was it good in the first place? If not, why expect a miracle now? You still can’t polish a sexy-looking turd, gentlemen. Spandex ain’t gonna help her throw it back in the sack…although if she keeps on the studded heels it might do a little something. Seriously though, sexual chemistry can’t be manufactured, so don’t waste time barking up the same boring ass tree.
- The Rihanna Factor: Has the good girl finally gone bad? If the answer is yes, then this calls for an exception to the conclusion reached via factor one. One’s sexual expressiveness and appetites can improve, after all. For women, this might happen during those experimental days in college, after their first surge of real independence in their mid-20s, or in their 30s when they finally get comfortable with their own sexual engine and learn to really let that baby open up. If you happen to re-encounter your ex at one of these crucial times, then congrats! You just hit the Pum-Pum Jackpot!
- The Suicide Factor: Are you over her? Be honest. We may not like to admit it, but men can have just as much trouble moving on as women. If you’ve still got internal bleeding from the breakup, tread carefully the path to the boudoir. You’ll likely find yourself hunched over in the shower, babbling incoherently, and crying your accursed eyes out faster than you can say, “pussy-whipped.”
- The Douchebag Factor: Is she over you? Don’t be an asshole. If you know that she’s still got major love for you, please reconsider using her as practice for the Jackhammer position. Look, for every two women who can handle sex with no strings attached there are like 327 who can’t. Chances are that every one of your bourbon-empowered pelvic thrusts will serve as a battering ram, demolishing her already crumbling psyche. I don’t care if she begs like an unholy clone of James Brown and Mars Blackmon, DO NOT dance the mattress jig with this woman or you might push her over the edge. And that brings us to…
- The Homicide Factor: Is she crazy? Sure, unbalanced types are some of the sexiest creatures walking the planet. Why? Perhaps they arouse the same thrill-seeking drive that makes little boys jump off one story roofs onto pissy mattresses. But just like pissy mattresses, these women are dangerous, which is probably why you broke it off with her in the first place. Now you’ve got the itch to get scratched again, but I implore you to back away from her Mouth That Cannot Bite…unless of course you’re not terribly fond of your nipples and testicles. ‘Cause she’ll cut them off…and FEED THEM TO YOU IN A PÂTÉ.
Hey, when done responsibly, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with a visit to the booty archives. Pick that shit up off the shelf, knock the dust off, and enjoy. Before you do it though, take a second to think about the risks that go along with those 15.4 minutes of pleasure. You may be better off hooking up with somebody new. Or here’s an idea: how about some action with your current girlfriend?