You are what you eat.
Everybody’s familiar with that phrase and, to some extent or another, can see the truth in it. If you spend your time eating a bunch of crap, you’ll look like a bunch of crap. If you consume only the finest food and drink, treating your body like a stone temple, you’ll look like a god…assuming you get your vegan ass off the couch and into the gym.
The thing is, the same axiom applies to dating, too.
People walk around so forlorn about relationships, wondering why old boy ain’t actin’ right or why homegirl is driving them up the wall. They sit there confounded and confused as to why they either can’t find anyone at all or why the relationships that they do end up in always seem to blow up quicker than a new Israeli settlement on the West Bank. Love is a 24-hour diner with a huge assortment of options, but they’re not feeling it at all. The problem is that they don’t know how to eat to live.
As with any diner, you’ve got four types of dishes from which to choose: Appetizers, Entrées, Desserts and Junkfood. Anybody that you meet is gonna fit into one of those categories. Unfortunately, the Love Diner doesn’t actually tell you which option goes in which group – you’ve got to be able to sort the muphuckas yourself. Lucky for you, I’m providing a cheatsheet to help you figure out what’s what the next time you’re feelin’ kinda hongry. (Look it up on Urban Dictionary or something.)
Here’s a description of each menu heading and what it translates to in the realm of romance:
- Appetizers – These people serve two roles. When you’re young (or inexperienced), they get your feet wet and well…whet your appetite for love. If you make the wrong choice here, it’s not that big of a deal ’cause you’ve still got lots more eating to do. But, if you’ve been in the game for a while, you might be interested in an appetizer, too. This is somebody who you enjoy spending time with and is pretty damn tasty…but not entirely filling. That’s OK though! Only a dummy would expect to get full off an appetizer…right?
- Entrées – For those of you who’ve never been to a restaurant (yet miraculously have computer access), or who have problems with extended metaphors even when they’re about as subtle as a whore from Ipanema, this is the main course. This guy or gal is what you’ve been waiting on all night. Do yourself a favor and order something substantial. Even if it doesn’t have the most gorgeous presentation, it might just hit the spot. Plus, I always find that food that’s too cute usually doesn’t fill up the plate or me, and that will only leave you longing for…
- Desserts – Yum, yum, yum. Who’s got a taste for something sweet? For some people, dessert is their favorite part of the meal. In fact, it’s just so damn sexy that some folks even have it first. I ain’t mad at that. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with indulging in a little French Vanilla, Butter Pecan, Chocolate Deluxe. Shit, even Caramel Sundaes is gettin’ touched. Go ahead, lick the bowl. But see, the thing about dessert is that it may taste like heaven, but you ain’t gettin’ no real sustenance from said delectable delights. Oh, and need I say that if you eat too much sweet stuff, you might get sick?
- Junkfood – This is a category that causes lotsa people lotsa problems, usually because they don’t even realize that they’re eating this crap. Why? Because some ladies and gentlemen fuck around and order junkfood as their entrée! Oh, this greasy, crunchy, saucy stuff tastes great and can certainly sate your appetite. Lord knows I’ve eaten so much pizza, spicy chicken sandwiches and french fries that you’d swear I was still gettin’ free public school lunch. But yo, the shit ain’t healthy. Are the big laughs and good sex worth all of the screaming and pure, unadulterated, high blood pressure inducing fuckery? Methinks not.
So, there you have it. Now all you’ve gotta do is make sure that you order the right meal at the right time. Sure, at some point you’re probably gonna need a nice, fairly healthy entree to get the job done. But damn, that don’t mean that you can’t grab some cakes and pies from time to time or get you a couple of appetizers to go! Sheeeeeit, they got a Two for $20 special up in this piece!
Know what you’re eating and why you’re eating it. Then you can enjoy your meal for what it is without starving yourself, i.e. taking a sex sabbatical, feeling guilty or leaving the table hungry. Bon appétit!