Let me begin this missive by admitting that what follows is probably going to offend you. I say that off top for two reasons. First, I want you to know that I’m self aware enough to understand the delicate nature of the topic that I’m addressing. Second, calling out the offensive nature of a piece semi-shields the writer from any subsequent fecal downpour. It’s kind of like saying, “Hey, I told you that this one might make your ass itch. Don’t blame me if you read it and got upset. Matter of fact, I’m mad at YOU for reading it…inconsiderate bastard.”
Look, I can only expound on the truth as I see it. And well, to be honest, lately I’ve been thinking that white women have a helluva lot of truth on offer.
Eh-hem. Now that half of you have thrown your computers out of the window in fits of rage not seen since the CW cancelled “The Game,” I’ll continue.
When I say I’m seeing truth, I’m really talking about truth of being. That is, living life in a way that is consistent with one’s authentic self, which leads to greater enjoyment, AKA fun. I gotta say that in general, white women seem to be having more of it than their black counterparts.
OK, let me not overstate this. I’m really talking about a specific part of living life, the part that has to do with love, sex, partying, and general good times. Whether or not white girls are better at achieving positive work life balance or expressing their own political preferences vs. those of the patriarchy are for another writer to consider. This is “Recognize & Realize,” not “Feminism, Poetry, Pop-Culture, Sex.” (Not that anything is wrong with that, in case the owner of that blog, Stephanie, actually reads this. I mean, some of my best friends are feminists…)
I should also clarify things by saying that my comments are probably only applicable to educated women, too. (Incidentally, educated in this context means having secured or on track to securing a college degree.) Why? Because those are the women with whom I’ve spent most of my time. I’d be lying if I said that I could speak to the ins-and-outs (no pun intended) of blue-collar Beths and Bernices, ’cause well, I haven’t really gone there…that much. All I know is that pound for pound, educated black women have way more stick up their butt, and like the late Bernie Mac said, “I don’t mean that in no nice way.”
Beginning in high school, through grad school, and beyond, I’ve been amazed at the ease with which white women seem to live in their own sexual skins. Hanky-panky doesn’t necessarily have a freakin’ timetable associated with it in Becky’s books. It’s like you just say the right thing (or shut the eff up), pull the right levers, be there at there at the right time, and you’re off like a prom dress. Ridiculously refreshing. But dude, you could be trapped with a bougie black woman on an island after a zombie apocalypse has decimated 99.9% of the human population, and she’ll still make you wait ’til like the 4th date before she tosses off that grass skirt. (Do y’all even realize how hard it is to make a coconut martini with REAL coconuts?)
I actually had a black woman tell me, after following up a very steamy initial encounter with a night full of nada in my bed, “You’re a great cuddler. I wanted to do more, but I can’t go out like that.” What the shit?! Did the Great God of Blue Balls threaten to strike her down unless she sacrificed my testes on his nocturnal altar? What kind of (un)fuckery is this?
Well, noted sociologist E. Franklin Frazier identified the roots of this problem back in the late 1950s. In his seminal work, “Black Bourgeoisie,” Frazier let it be known that the black middle class was playing the assimilation game – hard. Because they wanted so badly to be accepted by white folk, they actually tried to culturally OUT-white them. This cut across multiple aspects of life, including the realm of morality. As such, we developed the idea that a lady must never give in to desires of the flesh until – I’m guessing here – she can be reasonably certain that The People’s Slut Court would find her not guilty. I’d argue that assimilation’s conservative grip on their panties is still quite robust and shit, 50 years later.
Meanwhile, white women found the pill in the 60s and never looked the fuck back. I have to stop here and say that black men bear at least half of the fault for this, with all the “slut” this and “ho” that. Dudes, if you continue with the double standards, you’re only gonna continue fucking yourself. Literally. But sistas, you gotta meet us half way.
Understand that no one is looking for the “Girls Gone Wild” experience. OK, some people are, but those people are all named Colin and under the age of 25, or they’re over 35, named Eugene, and are registered sex offenders. What is cool is the idea that folks can get together and feel free to let their hair down, do what they wanna do on their own terms, get it crackin’, or not. ‘Cause by the way, the “not” can be cool too, sometimes.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, somewhere out there somebody just let out The White Girl Yell. Whooohooo!
10 responses to “White Girls Have More Fun”
Interesting. One missing piece though. I think that one of the reasons, along with trying to out-White the White folks, is that Black women, particularly Black educated women, come carrying a lot of cultural baggage. It ain’t just us in the sack with you. It’s me and my sister and my mother and my aunts and all of my sorority sisters and on and on. Like with most things, White folks have a freedom we don’t necessarily have. In college, my White friends could go to class looking like bums and they were just “disheveled college kids.” The Black kids try the same thing, and they’re perceived as, well, bums. So when it comes to giving of our bodies, Black educated women represent not only us. We also come with the baggage of trying to live down the stereotype of the over-sexed Black ‘ho who cannot even identify all of the penises she has encountered, let alone figure out which one fathered her child. And our status as “educated” or “professional” only makes the desire to leave behind those stereotypes. White women don’t come with that baggage. It’s a lot easier to live freely, to have more fun, when your actions only have repercussions for you.
I have to agree with Kelly. In the same manner that you as a black “at least physically” man aren’t afforded the same forgiveness as your white “criminal” counterpart black women “suffer” from those same double standards. WE don’t have luxury of making certain life choices without lasting consequence. Perceived or real. We are held as the example/standard… One sister makes one frustrated statement and now she is an “angry bitter black woman” or she makes a grammatical mistake and she is an “uneducated, neck rolling ghetto queen”. If you can name three brothers or sisters who have fucked up as much as a “coked out, rich, rambunctious, unruly, lawless.. white kid” who isn’t dead or in jail we can start a sexual revolution. Black women are judged very harshly before we even step into the arena. We already have to beat the stereotypes of the video hos, baby mamas, gold diggers, bitter bitches and chicken heads before we even get TO the party. Then once we are there we have to prove “I’m not like every other black woman” (Well the collective consensuses on what “the average black woman” is). And how we are treated by our brothers does also play a major role, when a woman has expressed her virtuous sexual Goddess and ending up feeling or being treat like a slut, she is less eager to release the Goddess again.
We will feel easy giving up the goods as white girls when you all (brothers) feel at ease mouthing off to the cops, late at night, in a southern town with no cell reception as white boys.
Thanks for your responses, Kelly and Jam-a-lot. Always fun in R&R. When I first read the R&R post, I immediately thought of legitimate baggage as a reasonable response. After reading your responses, I’m not sure I agree anymore. Immediately, I thought of the following: “and so we choose to live our lives in boxes constructed by the ignorant, the oppressive, the unsympathetic, and the uncaring hoping that by hiding part of our true selves they will come to accept us.**” Nice — but doomed to failure and a regular trip to extensive and expensive therapy if our worth and actions are guided by external values or by the internalized but foreign/external values that have always sought to harm and rarely uplift.
Perhaps the paradigm needs shifting but how can it shift if you obey all the rules of the current behavioral paradigm? Personal choice is being thrown away for … for … for the comfort of the ignorant, narrow minded, superficial, and unsympathetic? I think that’s a bit ironic. That strategy will not be successful or at least will not be successful without some other set of acts connected or concurrent acts. It kind of makes me think of the following: if a single black customer tips and over tips often, will cabs actually stop for him in New York City, will bartenders overcharge him less, or waiters provide less crappy service? If so, when will this strategy provide results?
Magnum P.O., former intern and ghostwriter for R&R. Currently unemployed.
[**I’m quoting myself. I started writing was about to leave it alone, then I said it was insufficient and possible could be read with “tone” which is unintended so I thought I would try to be clearer.]
You shift the paradigm by working within it while working to change it unilt you can create a new one and operate within that one. You also work to battle those views within yourself so that you do not perpetuate those beliefs or actions. And yes I do jam a lot.
I first need to know why your site was flagged as ‘pornography’ when I tried to check this article out from work. Help. My sincere hope is that your budget has not yet met capacity, as I may soon be in your employ.
THIS ARTICLE… Let me first say that I have wavered between sexually free, indoctrinated/repressed, and just plain old sexless since puberty pretty much. See, we haven’t really given black men their fair share of ‘credit’ for why some/black women are confused as hell and scared to be who they really are. BLACK MEN hate sluts (only the black ones, and only in public). Wait. First, black men equate sexual freedom (of the black girl variety) as ‘ho-ish-ness’. Next, black men don’t want to be connected (in a non-denigrating way) to sexually free black women. Ho… housewife adage, anyone? And the ICING ON TOP is that, in a truly bizarre twist, these same horny ass black men have the nerve to REVERE and ELEVATE the very black women who are turning their balls blue. I can count pretty high, but it’d take me a long time to count the number of guy friends I have (past and present) who were seriously involved with black women who did not meet their sexual needs/wants/desires. These men exclusively date, engage, cohabitate and eventually MARRY these black prudes… and then they complain about BLACK women in general not being sexually free. Well if yall would stop rewarding sexual repression…
Wow Keith. This was a fun read. Opinion is usually based off of experience which is usually limited. Your handful of experiences with Ivy black women may have been wack (however I’m SURE there are fun Ivy folks. Shoot I know one or two.) but I can name at least thirty educated black women who love to have fun. (That would be my limited experience.) And this is fun regardless and in spite of white privilege and how white folks don’t have to worry about repercussions of just going with the flow. Now that I think about it the majority of these black women happened to be graduates of the University of Cincinnati or Ohio State. Maybe it’s Ohio. We don’t have much to do there so we learn to make our own fun. But I’m sure it’s not as bad as you think. Actually I’m positive. Keep your head up brotha.
why do black people hate when a half black half white person identifies with white more than black? It’s like they are jealous
Pat, let me help you out. The problem that black people have with biracial people who identify more with being white than being black isn’t about jealousy. It’s about the fact that even though white people as a whole will NEVER see biracial people as white, a select few biracial people don’t seem to get it. Remember: it was white folks that made the “one drop” rule. If that rule didn’t exist, a huge proportion of “black” people in this country would be considered biracial, or shit, maybe they could even “decide” to be white! See, it’s not jealousy; it’s anger mixed with the sadness that comes from knowing that someone who really ain’t that much different from you is actively positioning themselves to be as far away from you as they can get. And that don’t feel too nice.
Oh, and Pat, I almost forgot: what the HELL does that question have to do with the original post???
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