I’ll Be Late for That: Punctuality Pisses Me Off

Let me paint a picture for you.

It’s been a while since you and your people have gotten together so you decide that you’re gonna plan a big dinner.  A week in advance you pick a trendy restaurant with a swanky vibe, make the reservations for 7 PM, and send out an Evite to the whole crew.  The big day comes and you’re so excited that you get there at 6:45.

7 o’clock rolls around and no one’s there yet.  7:10 hits and only two of your friends have arrived.  You ask the hostess if you can go ahead and move to your table.  The pretentious, aspiring model/actress barely looks up to remind you that Sexy Midget doesn’t seat anyone until their entire party arrives.

At 7:30, everybody’s finally in the house, so you walk over to tell the hostess.  She sighs, giving you that tight-lipped, constipated smile that women give men whose game is sub par, and informs you that she had to give your table away…and that there are no more reservations tonight for a party of 17.

Guess what, dumbass?  That was your fault.  That’s right.  Your inconsiderate, anal-retentive butt ruined the whole night.

Oh, stop looking like I just punched you in the stomach and rubbed your crotch.  It was your fault ’cause you failed to consider that your friends have hectic, tremendously busy lives just like you.  Or maybe the problem is that you actually don’t have a life.  Either way, it leads to the same place.  When making plans, it’s imperative that you allow space for the little hiccups and big bumps in the road.

Whether it’s parties, dates, or nights out on the town, follow these four simple rules to avoid strife and broken relationships:

1. Never tell people the real start time for group events. These kinds of things tend to transpire on weekends, and weekends are packed with social events.  Give people time to move about their social calendars.  Or maybe the couples just wanna get a quickie in before they go out and get too plastered to do it later.  Whatever.  If it’s a party or an event at your crib, tell them it starts an hour before it actually does.  If it’s a meal at a restaurant, pad it by 30 minutes.
2. Observe the 15 minute rule on dates. If Mr. Hotpants shows up anywhere within 10 minutes of the start time of your little dangerous liaison then he ain’t late, sweetheart.  However, if he shows up 11-15 minutes after the slated start then you have the right to issue his ass a demerit.  After 15 minutes, things done changed.  You can bounce on him like a lazy stripper, or stay, then use his lateness as a bargaining chip for one of your future fuck-ups.  It’s really up to you.
3. If you’re “fake” late, use every tool at your disposal to shift responsibility onto the real guilty party.  (Hint: It’s never you.) You’re fake late if the host began the event on time, like a dick.  As soon as they start mouthing off, just look at ’em like they’re crazy and remind them that they violated protocol, not you.  If anybody else came late, get them to join the fray.  Pretty soon, the host will feel like the idiot that they are.  The same thing goes for dates.
4. If you’re “really” late, just man up and channel Kanye. At this point, there’s only one arrow in your quiver: personality.  It’s time for a Jedi mind trick.  Again, look at the host/date like they’re crazy, then smile like Jesus is your dentist and say, “My presence is a present, kiss my ass.”

Yep.  Yeezy taught me well.