White Wednesdays

What if the shoe were on the other foot?

About a week ago, a friend of mine was telling me about somebody that was annoying the crap out of her at work. “Are you gonna say something to them?” I inquired.  She gave me that glare that African-American senior citizen ladies are prone to shoot you right before they’re about they’re about to say, “Chiiiild” and curtly responded, “Aw hell naw.  It might be a problem – I’m too black today. ”

I chuckled. “Wait.  Ain’t you black every day?” Again, she hit me with the Sojourner Truth look. “Oh, you didn’t know? Sheeeeit…I’m white on Wednesdays.”

The ensuing laughfest must have added several more lines of definition to my already well-sculpted abs.  Seriously, ladies.  My stomach looks like a close-up of Albert Einstein’s brain: I make The Situation look more like The Speculation.

But, I digress.

My friend left and I recovered, but I started to think.  What if, for just one day out of the week, non-whites got to see what it was like to be white? What if White Wednesdays were real?  The implications are tantalizing.

Eddie Murphy touched on a similar idea in one of his SNL sketches.  We’d see a surge of loan applications from erstwhile African-Americans and Latinos looking to finally start that business or buy that house.  No credit?  Bad credit?  You wanna open a shop selling furniture made of toenail clippings?  No problem, Mr. and Mrs. White!

Arrests would fall precipitously on Hump Day.  Government officials at all levels would celebrate as they declare it the safest day of the week.  European tourists could now enjoy their doe-eyed wanderings through the streets of Harlem during the middle of the week too!   No more waiting ’til Saturday in order to blend in with dredded Japanese hip-hoppers or Sundays when Jesus walks with them.

But AHEM…please note that I said not one word about crime dropping.  I said arrests.  With everybody looking the same, how would cops use their trusted “gut instincts”?  How could they exercise a decent stop-and-frisk?  Like Paul Mooney says, for one day, everybody would have the Complexion for the Protection.  Matter of fact…

Convictions would fall too.  Judges would be stricken with the same degree of paralyzing impartiality as police: “So what this is your third DUI arrest and you tried to trade a rub-and-tug for five bucks from the bailiff!  I can tell you’re a good kid, so I’m just gonna give you 60 days in rehab.  Want a little nose candy to celebrate?”

But White Wednesdays wouldn’t be a happy time for everybody.

The world over, white women in superficial interracial relationships would exhale a collective sigh of sadness as they were forced to see their prized black and Latino stallions as…well…human beings.  Meanwhile, non-white men who use ignorant sexual stereotypes (true though they may be…holla!) to generate interest from lusty white girls will notice their magic sticks emitting less pixie dust on those days.

Oh, and thank Sammy Davis, Jr. that most people don’t hit the club on Wednesdays.  In major cities all across the U.S.A., good colored folk would face unbearable frustration as they watched themselves lose control of their limbs on the dancefloor.  The concept of rhythm would suddenly hold no meaning as the steady beat of the drum somehow became confused with the steady stream of song lyrics.  Many would simply give up and start doing what white people do in the majority of social situations: stand around small-talking and get shitfaced.

But for most non-white people, Wednesdays would be the shit.  Yeah, you don’t have to go to that soul-crushing job on the weekend, but on Wednesdays you don’t have to DO any work anyway.  You can just talk a good game!  Or schmooze the holy cowboy stuffing out of your boss.  Or if you do work, you can work half as hard, i.e. at a normal level – you wouldn’t have to prove that you deserve to be there.  And when that dude in Operations calls you “bro,” you’ll know he means it and isn’t tryin’ to create some BS sense of connection based on his “love” for hip-hop.  (Which to him basically starts and ends with N.W.A.)

In other words, you’d have one day when you felt completely free to be you.  The assholiest part is that it would be the one day when that is so goddamn untrue.  Sigh…I guess even white people can’t have everything.

P.S.  I know that I never explicitly mentioned Asians in this post.  That wasn’t an oversight.  Y’all are basically honorary white people.  C’mon, son.  There’s no use in arguing.  As a group, y’all own more violins and pianos than all North American orchestras combined.  You make white people feel inferior at school and work.  Plus, your food is muthafuckin’ delicious, even when white people make it.  That shit is shady.