F*ck Girls’ Night Out: Part I


Guess which witch was my one wish?

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Ah, the delightful delectability of a night out on the town. Maybe you’ve been cooped up in the crib and need to stretch out a bit. Maybe your boss has had her six inch heel up your ass all week like disturbingly graphic foot fetish porn. Maybe Questlove is spinning and you’ve got the ridiculous urge to watch ridiculously dressed black teenagers do ridiculous dances from a bygone era on ridiculously large screens in a ridiculously inconvenient part of town. Whatever the reason, you want to go out and get your groove on.

Unless you’re suffering some severe mental dysfunction, you realize that this means that you’re going to be in a social setting, i.e. around other people. Presumably, you also comprehend that a significant portion of those individuals will be of the opposite sex. For straight men, that last tidbit is not just an assumption, it’s actually a desired outcome. If we get to a bar or club and the place has more wieners than a Berlin beer garden in October, we will be none too happy. The artist on deck could be the reincarnation of J Dilla, Beethoven and Marvin Gaye all rolled into one, but sheeeit…ain’t no music that fuckin’ good. For men, women are to social events what ketchup is to hood cuisine: they just make everything better. Without them, shit is just shit.

From my experience as a storied amateur sociologist, females seem to have a similar need for the presence of males when they’re out and about. Heck, I’ve certainly been out with my homegirls and heard them complain about girl-heavy parties I’ll affectionately call “coochellas”. If this is true, it would appear that harmonic equilibrium is maintained. But see, that’s where everything actually goes completely batshit CRAY.

Although women certainly want us around when they go out, far too often it seems that they really only needs us to function as a sort of final aesthetic touch. Whereas women are a must-have for any self-respecting man when he’s out to party, no matter if he’s booed up or lustfully single, this is far from the case for the fairer sex. For them, going out with their girlfriends is the process by which they strengthen the bonds of sisterhood through the creation of common memories. Men are only useful in as much as they further the feminine bonding agenda.

If women are our ketchup, we’re just garnish to them. That’s why, nine times out of 10, when a dude walks up to a coven on the dance floor, he’s approaching a Circle of Death.

What this cat sees when he walks up is one fine woman surrounded by two to four less attractive women. (Although there’s a chance that one of the others might also be cute, I’d feel more secure betting on Dr. Dre’s “Detox” to drop before Christ’s return. I’ll get into why this is true in Part II.) What this means is that he’s not only got to overcome any natural obstacles a woman might have to him personally, he’s got to deal with the fact that he just broke up their little Wiccan Beyoncé ritual. And that shit don’t fly. Unless you’ve got the goldenest of tongues, you’re pretty much toast. And not the buttery-and-flaky-but-still-soft-on-the-inside kind. I’m talkin’ about the scrape-the-black-off-it-but-you-gone-eat-it-’cause-we-broke kind. No bueno.

This shit is a travesty and a tragedy, and it’s gotta stop. Not only are you ladies doing us gentlemen a disservice, you’re doing your country a disservice. That’s right. I said you’re being un-American little bastiches.

Cats ain’t got no money to be rollin’ out to spots, buying drinks and whatnot, only to leave with nothing to show for it! Don’t y’all muthaphuckas know times is rough out here in this piece? Every dollar that a man spends paying to get into Black Lion, or Club Cheetara, or Castle Greyskull, is a dollar that could have gone to buying the new PSbox3 console. Every bar charge on his pre-paid debit card is one less dollar to give to Kandi and Kookie, the stripper duo he’s altruistically supporting as they make their way toward University of Phoenix Extended Junior Associates Degrees. Shame on you. Again, I say shame!

Now, before you start bringing up old shit about how this is a free country and all, save your breath. I know that you have the right to live your life as you see fit (until the next time the Republicans control all three branches of American government). If you want to roll out to the spot and get your drink on and party and dance with your girls while you give me and my brothers some analogical, girly version of the Heisman, go right ahead. I’m just saying that if you’d like to gather all your girls together and dance in a circle, sans hommes, you COULD just save us dudes some frustration, stay your frigid asses at home, and have a goofy-ass, manless slumber party.

Or you can join some kind of indigenous tribe. Either one.

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24 Comments

Filed under Relationships, Sexuality

24 responses to “F*ck Girls’ Night Out: Part I

  1. Although I hear your point I’m going to have to give you the BUZZZ!!!! If your main reason for clubbing is trying to get women vs enjoying time with your guys, dancing, the music or drinking you don’t deserve the company of the beautiful woman any way (point one). As a woman we spend 97% ~give or take +2.6~ of our time in most situations and settings having to entertain the advances of men so when we get that rare chance of just being with our friends dancing, drinking, talking, etc. (male or female) where we DON’T have to get hit on EVERRY minute and we can enjoy a nice environment we are not as excited about that invitation to do the horizontal shuffle as the one making the offer (point two). A club hopping, drink buying, conversation interrupting, pussy chasing, single for a reason, give me a chance to fuck you tonight and not call you tomorrow (since that seems to be your common goal) ass dude would not generally be our first pick (point three). Lastly but not least FUCK MEN AND YOUR FRAGILE, MISOGYNISTIC, CHAUVINISTIC ASS EGO AND TACTICS
    *****Side-note (the use of you/your and you’re is general and does not apply to all)
    P.S. I love you but you can kick rocks with this one and no I am not PMSing punk.

  2. Ishtastic

    The flaw of your dissertation is in the foundation of your argument which seems to be that men only go to night spots to find a good lay. (I use the word ‘men’ very loosely.) The MEN I know go to social events to be SOCIAL…meet new people, enjoy common interests w/like-minded peers, recharge and exchange positive energies. There’s nothing like the moment when the DJ plays a classic Wu Tang cut and the entire crowd recites all the lyrics as if on key! THAT’S the joy of adult socializing. How about when an Afro-Latin house tune drops and men & woman immediately swing into a hip hop merengue salsa move on the dancefloor, sweat flying, heels stomping, skirts swinging for what seems like hours but is actually only about 17 min. (if the DJ plays the extended version). THAT’S the joy of grown-up social, my friend. And there’s nothing like ending the night at 4 am, sweaty and hungry and taking the afterparty to the nearest 24hr diner for some politicking and cyphering over pancakes and eggs. THAT, Brotha, is how grown folks socialize. THAT is the motive, the goal, and the shared memory of adult social encounters. With THIS as the preface, my rebuttal becomes a question of your motives. I’d love to take you out sometime for some GROWN FOLKS FUN!
    Be easy.

    • And the flaw in your rebuttal is your assumption that I was implying that a man’s goal in interacting with a woman in a social event was sex. I never wrote that. I mean, it’s true, but I never wrote it. Kidding.

      Seriously though, the end game is always going to involve sex if a dude approaches you in ANY context (including your supposedly hormone-free poetry slams) without a pre-existing relationship or guiding structure in place…but that don’t mean that he’s not trying to have some good, clean fun on the way to the final destination, or that he’s trying to go speeding down the highway to get there.

      When I wrote “empty handed,” I just meant that no guy wants to leave a spot without having made a connection with a lady, assuming that he came out open to finding one in the first place, and that he saw someone there who did it for him.

      See! So now don’t y’all feel bad for jumping to conclusions? On a side note, if y’all spent more time admitting that you’re just as “horny” as we are and less time labeling us immature for being more transparent about it, you might finally get to exhale. 🙂

  3. pinktigress

    I agree with Jam. Women can go out to enjoy themselves with each other and will still have had a good night if a gentlemen or bum haven’t asked them to dance or if they wanted a drink. Women come out prepared to buy themselves at least one or two drinks. Most of the time the men want to see the women act a lil more free, freakier, or looser than they are so they offer to buy more drinks. The dance given is your payback for the drink misters!!! Don’t expect a phone number, a phone call or a ride home because of the drink you bought. The reason you seem to not be having a good time is that your sole purpose seemingly is to point out how many ladies who did not give you a play that you actually have missed out on the one woman who was trying to get your attention all night. Stop looking for the freak because you should know by now a lady in the streets can be the freakiest in the bedroom. lol Sorry you missed out!!!

    • Well, since you put it like that, pinktigress, why don’t you tell me where you’re gonna be this weekend. I promise I’ll show up and buy you at least two drinks, get my two dances, thank you, then head off to find the woman in the corner that’s just been aching for me to go and talk to her. What?! Anyway, it’s not about finding the freakiest woman in the room (for most of us). Give us more credit than that. It’s about finding the hottest woman in the room.

  4. One more thing….
    It should be “Women’s” and not “girl’s” Unless you like being called a boy…. I didn’t think so

  5. Jessy

    great writing, hope you are working on the book…

  6. ok, ok, ok. besides arguing over semantics let’s look at the details. as a single man who does go out with or without my brothers i find the dynamics interesting. first, i agree that i don’t wanna be out on a dancefloor and its oktoberfest. no fun folks. but if the all the women are either posted at some round table in the far corner waiting for the right sacrificial lamb to come along or dancing literally all together we have no choice. let’s agree that it may not be the reason to go out but i like to see attractive women enjoying themselves. also, women like to be approached and have compliments spilled upon them (not all but some). i have heard stories of “y’all” getting dressed, looking and feeling good and wondering why not one brother came over to say anything. not necessarily trying to holler or get digits but say SOMETHING. but what man wants to walk the gauntlet and have to face an army with a handgun? secondly, why go out to be social and not be social? agreed, you could have just bought a box of wine and danced amongst yourselves at the crib. thirdly, as much as some women don’t want to admit it, if you went out to a social event and it was nothing but women in their heels and dresses and such (sans men), you would think that something was not right. lastly, i’m tired of women (yes all of you) complaining about getting hit on. STFU. if you weren’t you’d be complaining about why men don’t think you’re attractive or some bs along those lines. consider yourself lucky, bc some women don’t get hit on at all. you only want the men you want to be all in your ear and that’s just not how things work. just as the sister i think is fine can’t keep rhythm and the one who can dance is protected by the horde. somethings you just gotta live with.

    • Getting hit on and getting compliments/recognized is different. Yes, every HUMAN enjoys being appreciated and recognized for their looks, talents, generosity etc. But when the attention is an obvious attempt to end up doing the horizontal poker it takes from it. I know at times I don’t see things the same as others and I am a HUGE flirt with the intent to enjoy that particular time and space with that person and that is it. When that moment is over… it is over. Some men can’t take that, they feel like it must lead to something else. Buying a women a drink, dancing all night or whatever else IS the moment if she doesn’t want to take it further there should be no issue with that. And let’s no even mention if a women gives a man a compliment or approaches him. The common thought is that she must want to f*ck, to quote a friend GTFOHWTBS. I understand that for some men this is not the cause but this is generally what we run into. As a women I reserve the right to put on my fitted dress, high heels, bracelets, body oil and lip stick and be able to still be a person and not an object no matter how attracted anyone is to me. “Physical Beauty” is only one aspect of a person and is not above any other aspect.
      Women are often is these circles of death because without them we run the risk of being haggled, groped, harassed or disrespected ALL night without regard for our personal space, disinterest, feelings, mood, or anything else. We want to be able to be “sexy” and interact without the burden of having to ward off unwanted aggressive and disrespectful advances.
      Fortunately there are those times that we can gather as women and men, exchange energy, good vibes, compliments, attraction and dance or laugh the night away and those times are BEAUTIFUL.

      • First of all, if the women in question is in fact dancing with homeboy, then hey, great! At least she gave him the time of day before hurriedly dismissing him like the last day of school at East Side High. Second…body oil? Really?! Like Dave Chappelle said, you may not be slut, but yo ass is wearing a slut uniform!

    • Once again, Kwes comes bringing the heat! Thanks for the backup, bruh!

  7. LOL@Coven & “Circle of Death”. Hence why I don’t hang with women in groups larger than three if I honestly expect an approach.

    BUT, my friends and I DID used to try that “light as a feather; stiff as a board” thing. Let me tell you, it doesn’t work. LOL.

  8. Pingback: F*ck Girls’ Night Out: Part II | Recognize and Realize

  9. This article mirrors what I’ve been saying for a while so it cracks me up a bit. I agree with all of it. I’ll admit that I’m one of the few brothas that don’t go out for the main purpose of kitty hunting. Too many diseases out there overpowering condoms perhaps?…I dunno. I’d rather get ya number/bbm pin/e-mail (ok…dunno bout e-mail) and link up with you on another day. I just enjoy getting my dance on and seeing beautiful and/or shapely (….and then there’s “other”) women do the same.

    What pisses me off is that I may be successful at singling a female from the circle or (on the rare occasion…yeah…very rare..sad I know) a female may break from the safety of the sister circle (just felt like sayin that..lol) to venture over and dance with me because she’s interested or likes my vibe…….now we just enjoying ourselves…dancing, maybe chatting a bit……and the circle of death decides to migrate to the bar OR the bathroom (i don’t get this either..why in groups?) and they insist on grabbing their friend from me, MID-DANCE i might add, to go with them.

    That right there….that sh*t right thheeere n*gga (kat wiliams voice)….that deserves a “C’MON SON”..

    On a sidenote: keep up the good work Ed…consider ur blog bookmarked 🙂

  10. Pingback: White Girls Have More Fun | Recognize & Realize

  11. Shaniece James

    Keith, you are hilariously wrong for this! I enjoy reading your your articles.

    Take care,

    Shaniece

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